I had an abortion at 25 weeks & I refuse to apologize for it

Part 1 - I felt the time was now to share my story on the 4th anniversary of Dobbs.

I’ve contemplated so many ways I could share this experience. Should I leave parts out? Should I try and find a reason that makes people support my decision? What could be the best way to verbalize it to make people feel comfortable?

Then I thought about it. Why should I minimize my own abortion to make other people comfortable with it? It was not an experience that anyone else walked through but me. I am not going to sit here and make up an excuse as to why I deserved healthcare & why I need anyones approval over my decision.

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Choice is reserved to the person making it. The reasons why a person made that decision are not only irrelevant — they are not up for discussion.

I do think it is important though to share my story so it will join an ocean of stories where women feel seen and heard. When I had my abortion, I didn’t have that and I wish I did.

I will never forget the day I found out I was pregnant. I was with my friend who had decided to take out her IUD so she could start trying for a baby with her husband. We went to Target to get tampons & we had both decided to randomly buy pregnancy tests. I am not even sure why I got one. I wasn’t having sex at the time, it had been months & in my mind there was no way I could be pregnant.

I went home, I took the test, left it on the side in the bathroom and went about watching tv. I actually forgot it was sitting there and when I happened to walk back into the bathroom I saw it on the counter. I picked it up to throw it in the trash and I saw in big letters PREGNANT staring at me. I don’t think I can even put into words the wave of emotions that rushed through my body. It was overwhelming & I just threw myself to the ground in tears.

I immediately knew in my gut it was not something I wanted from the moment I read the word ‘pregnant’ ,But I tried to remain neutral because of what other people might think when they found out. (That was my first big mistake.)

I am in California so I knew there was a limit on abortion at some point, but I didn’t really understand what that meant at the time. I definitely didn’t think that limit would ever affect how I could receive care in my home state. Initially I was just worried about finding a doctor to confirm I was pregnant & getting a scan to figure out how far along I was because I knew it wasn’t just a couple of weeks.

I was overcome with confusion and questions. I’d my period the entire time, I wasn’t showing and I had no other real symptoms that I would have thought were pregnancy symptoms. I went to bed that night in complete disbelief and distress. When I woke up the next morning I had popped. I was showing clearly and it was real. I really felt like there was no time to process anything because I needed answers so I could make decisions.

Being in Los Angeles, I was under the impression it was safe to Google any place that offered pregnancy scans for supportive care and advice. This was my second big mistake. I had no idea what I was walking into. I thought the place I had found was something like Planned Parenthood. I was so shocked to find out it was a CPC — Crisis pregnancy center.

I thought it was strange when I walked into the waiting room and there were images playing on a screen of a fetus during each week of pregnancy. I just brushed it off as educational. Truthfully, I think I was still in shock from the night before and my danger radar was off.

My name was called and I was escorted into a room where two women sat with me asking me a lot of invasive questions about my beliefs & my personal life. I did think this was a bit weird, but again I didn’t really think too much into it. I just asked the lady for a scan, that was when she pulled out a book and rolled her chair so close to me her legs were on each side of mine, trapping me in.

She proceeded to tell me “life begins at conception” and “do I know what a baby looks like at 10 weeks” as she shoved a picture book — quite similar to the images I saw in the waiting room — onto my lap. The other woman in the room added bible verses into the conversation whenever she could.

I was so overwhelmed already, but I’d come to a place where I thought I was safe, where I would be met with support and answers, only to be backed into a corner — was not on my bingo card at all.

I always imagined this sort of experience happening in a rural evangelical Christian town in the middle of America — not in Los Angeles, California.

I made the excuse of wanting to go to the bathroom and quickly got out of there without looking back. I felt relieved to be back in my car & able to breathe, but I still had a million unanswered questions hanging over my head and not knowing where to turn was gut wrenching.

Now that I was aware of these centers I was way more vigilant looking for somewhere to get a scan. I wasn’t even looking for anything else other than that. Why was it so hard to find support?

I eventually found a place not too far from me who would charge me $500 for a simple scan so I could find out how far along I was.

After the CPC, I was extremely apprehensive walking into this new office. Truthfully I was so drained I didn’t even know if I had it in me to deal with it. Thankfully the woman at the front desk was so warm and inviting. She could see my distress all over my face & she offered me some candy. I wish she knew how grateful I am for her.

In times of distress, people like her are like a little bit of warm sunshine on a freezing day out when you have no jacket.

I went with the doctor to get my scan. I was so nervous I couldn’t even look at the screen. He didn’t really give me much information other than the fact I was 24 weeks pregnant. My heart sank.

After I got dressed he took me to another room and he cheerfully told me my options for birth & how I could prepare. I couldn’t really focus on anything he was saying, I could only feel my hands tingling with panic & the same rush of initial dread as the moment I found out. I thought I was going to faint.

This was the moment I got handed a lifeline. The doctor said to me that he understood I was past the limit for abortion in California, but there was a place in Colorado I could go to get care if needed. He handed me a card & told me he was here if I needed anything.

I didn’t know what that meant. Why would I have to leave my state to get care? I’ve never been to Colorado. Do I go alone? What sort of procedure do I get?

Then I remembered at the CPC they handed me a booklet with information on each type of abortion procedure depending on the weeks in pregnancy, so I looked at what it said for 24 weeks.

What I read was horrifying:

“Skull of fetus will be crushed and removed in pieces. This will likely cause internal bleeding & death to the patient.”

This was the moment I realized this was so much more than a medical procedure that I could decide to get. So much more than my body, my choice. This was something so much bigger, something more controlling & scary. Something political & “religious” where my choice could be left open for scrutiny.

Something I don’t think I really comprehended until I actually went to Colorado.